How do you belong at school when your friends aren't around?
You can belong somewhere without being close to anyone there. Research on "weak ties" shows people feel a stronger sense of belonging on days they interact with more acquaintances, and the effect is biggest on days their close friends aren't around.
In tenth grade at Arroyo High School in San Lorenzo, California, I had friends and a long-term girlfriend. Most days that was enough.
Then there were the other days. My friends would leave campus for lunch. My girlfriend would go eat with her girlfriends. And I'd be standing there with a whole lunch period in front of me and no plan.
Everybody else seemed to have a spot. A table or a wall where their group always was. Even the kids on the edge of a group were still in the group. I didn't have a backup.
So I roamed. I walked like I was headed somewhere. I went wherever there weren't many people, so nobody would catch me alone. Mostly I was waiting for the bell.
One day I ended up behind the school. A group of guys was playing football on the blacktop, maybe five on a team. I stopped and watched.
I didn't get to watch long. Somebody yelled, "Hey, wanna play?"
I set my stuff down and they put me on a team.
They were good. It turned out I was too. I was fast, and I could jump for the high throws. By about the third time I played, I wasn't getting picked last anymore. One guy was about as good as me, maybe a little better. Another guy could throw better than anyone out there but couldn't run or catch.
I went back the next day, and a lot of days after that. I never became friends with those guys. I don't think I ever talked to them anywhere but that blacktop. But on the days my people were gone, I had somewhere to be.
Some days I'd come around the building and the blacktop was empty. My heart sank. Then I'd turn around and go back to walking, staying away from crowds, and waiting for the bell.
Why did a game with guys I barely knew feel like belonging?
Most people think belonging means finding your group. Close friends. People who know everything about you. Those matter, but there's another kind.
Psychologists Gillian Sandstrom and Elizabeth Dunn call the other kind "weak ties." The guy from second period. The regulars at the gym. People you see all the time but aren't really close to. In a 2014 study, university students felt happier and felt more like they belonged on days they interacted with more classmates than usual. A follow-up study had people count every interaction on a clicker and found the same link between acquaintances and belonging.
One finding stuck with me. The boost from weak ties was strongest on days people saw less of their close friends.
That's the blacktop. Those guys didn't replace my friends. They covered the days my friends weren't there.
Why does being alone feel like everyone is watching?
When I was roaming, I was sure people noticed. I walked fast and tried to look busy, all so nobody would catch me by myself.
In 2000, Thomas Gilovich, Victoria Husted Medvec, and Kenneth Savitsky had college students walk into a room wearing an embarrassing t-shirt. The students guessed about half the room noticed. The real number was fewer than one in four. The researchers called it the spotlight effect. We think people pay far more attention to us than they actually do.
Most kids at lunch are busy worrying about their own spot. Nobody was tracking me. I just felt like they were.
Try this
Look for a game, not a group. A pickup game, the weight room, a club that meets at lunch, a table where the same people play cards. Look for anything that happens on a schedule where people show up to do something. It doesn't have to be a sport, and you don't have to be good at it. All you need is a reason to be there.
Stand close enough to be asked. I didn't ask to play. I stood there and watched, and that was enough. Watching tells people you're interested without you having to say it. If nobody asks after a few minutes, ask them: "Can I get in next game?"
Have a second place. The worst days weren't the days I walked the halls. They were the days I walked out to the blacktop and nobody was there. If your one spot falls through, know where you're going next.
Say something small. "Good catch." "What time do you guys start?" Sandstrom's research is about small interactions, and they count.
If you're already in the game, be the one who yells. Somebody standing at the edge watching probably won't ask. Ask for them.
If lunch feels like this most days, not just some, tell a counselor or a teacher you trust. That's exactly what they want to know.
How can schools help students who eat lunch alone?
Mine came from a slab of blacktop behind the school. Nobody ran it, and nobody planned it. When a kid's usual people are gone on your campus, where can they go at lunch that doesn't take a friend to get in?
That could be an open gym, a library table with a game on it, a classroom where a teacher lets kids hang out, or a pickup game somebody keeps running. The best ones let a kid walk up and get pulled in, the way I did.
Tell the adults on lunch duty to watch for the kids who keep moving. I never sat alone where anyone could see me. I walked fast like I had somewhere to be, and a kid who looks busy doesn't get noticed. Kids on their own at lunch are also the ones bullies tend to pick. I wrote about why in Bullies Don't Pick Fights. They Pick Targets.
Keep them consistent. A space that's only open some days teaches kids not to count on it. With phone rules changing lunch on a lot of campuses this year, fewer kids have a screen to hide behind. That makes these places matter more.
This matters for more than how kids feel. A study of Columbus City Schools students in grades 3 through 12 found the gap in chronic absenteeism between elementary and high school students was about 20 percentage points when students' sense of belonging was low, and closer to 15 when it was high. The researchers' point was simple: belonging is something schools can actually move.
It's also the whole idea behind my belonging assembly for high schools.
I don't remember who won any of those games. I remember someone yelling "Hey, wanna play?" and setting my stuff down.
Nobody out there knew me. That yell cost them nothing, and it was huge for me. I try to be that guy now, the one who notices whoever's standing at the edge while everyone else walks past.
If you're the one walking the halls right now, look for the game. If you're the one already playing, look up once in a while. Somebody might be standing there watching.
When Will I Ever Use This? What I Learned Teaching Math in Prison →
More from Insights
Sources
- Sandstrom, G. M., & Dunn, E. W. (2014). Social interactions and well-being: The surprising power of weak ties. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 40(7), 910–922.
- Gilovich, T., Medvec, V. H., & Savitsky, K. (2000). The spotlight effect in social judgment: An egocentric bias in estimates of the salience of one's own actions and appearance. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 211–222.
- Crane Center for Early Childhood Research and Policy, The Ohio State University. (2025). Rebuilding connections post-COVID: The importance of school belonging for addressing absenteeism.
From Insights by Chad Kempel. Read it online at chadkempel.com/insights/belong-somewhere/
Get the free 10-principle guide.
Subscribe and get Anything Is Possible Was Never the End of the Sentence: 10 principles pulled from real moments, for anyone still figuring it out. Then one email when a new Insights article goes up. Unsubscribe anytime.
Just want the guide? It’s $1, no email needed.